You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
