The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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