i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
