i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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