well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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