There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize