when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
