I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize