I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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