just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
