i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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