I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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