It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
