I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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