I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
