this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
