i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize