we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize