If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You pole danced in your parka.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He has the fingertips of a God
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