I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had sex on a roof
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
