I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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