FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
