Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
