totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
