May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
