nut hugger
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
