you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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