At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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