Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
