i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you made out with another girl for some wings
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
