i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
