She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
