I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
