Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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