i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
