someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
