Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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