I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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