They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Please don't give away my fajitas
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
