I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
