i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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