You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
