He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
