the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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