I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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