Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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