then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
