Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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