I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize