sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this boner is exhausting
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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