just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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