Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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