How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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