I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
