I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
