What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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