New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
