Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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