just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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