Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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