I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
